Straight from my journal (Part 1)

For several days now I have felt the attack of the enemy.  I feel exhausted and done.  And I've even had moments of hopeless fear; thoughts that this will never end and we will be stuck like this forever.  My heart and soul knows these are lies, but they continue to wear on me. 
To add insult to injury, life has just been really tough for several days now.  People around me fighting, my family not getting along, my parents judging my parenting, my personal struggle with parenting, my parents and myself clearly done with our living arrangement, constant reminders of our poverty (including cashiers laughing and commenting on my WIC checks and a lady showing me a chart with just how far below the poverty level we are. - I actually started crying right there in her office when I saw that although we were excited to make $xx this month, poverty for a family of 5 is over four times that.  That was a low moment.), waiting for Jason to get a phone call @ employment, days of Jason and I not treating each other well, constant Mommy chores and obligations, no time for friends or even just myself...on and on etc. I'm just feeling done.
But I continue to look to the Lord.  It's all I have, right now, and that's O.K.  I know without any doubt that is what He wants of me.  It's been a struggle to stay focused, but I know that is because of the enemy's attacks - and he will not defeat me.
Many of my family and friends are struggling and being attacked, as well.  Everyone I talk to is struggling with life right now.  It makes me think that we are near to the the good stuff - we are in the darkness before the dawn.  Satan is really trying to get us before God's victory.  And I've been speaking this to those around me.  Some had not considered this before and are encouraged by such words.  Another friend pointed out to me that God brought several believers to Mossyrock for a reason.  As our relationships build, the enemy is threatened and fighting.  But God will bring the victory.  Those words encouraged me.
I was also reminded/shown how blessed I am, relationally, even in this season.  I have people around me who can empathize and care about me.  And I'm fortunate to have people around me who can speak God's truth into my life.  Praise Him! - for surrounding me with not only ways to serve and glorify Him, but also believers to speak Truth into my life.  Praise Him!
Yet even with all my blessings and provision and knowledge that God has a plan and is using me, I continue to struggle.  Why?  Why do I struggle when I know the truth?  Why am I fearing what lies ahead?  Why do I worry?  I feel so selfish, ungrateful, and unfaithful.  Why do I keep feeling like, and playing, the victim?  Why?

This morning God brought me to Psalm 25:1-5
To You, O Lord, I lift up my soul.
O my God, in You I trust,
Do not let me be ashamed;
Do not let my enemies exult over me.
Indeed, none of those who wait for You will be
ashamed.
Those who deal treacherously without cause will be
ashamed.
Make me know Your ways, O Lord;
Teach me Your paths.
Lead me in Your truth and teach me,
For You are the God of my salvation;
For You I wait all the day.

Then to Psalm 24, which speaks of the Lord's earth and His creation of all within it.  If God has created everything, then surely His hand is at work in my life.  Psalm 24 also, repeatedly, names Him the "King of glory."  He is NOT the king of tribulation or trials; but the King of Glory.  And since I know He will bring victory, I know it will be glorious!  This removes thoughts that it will always be like this.  He is the King of Glory!  He will bring victory and glory to this season.
God reminded me of another hopeless season of my life - Jason and my separation.  That was a trial that, by all worldly standards, had no hope.  Even I was feeling the enemy might win.  -May it never be so!  God always brings victory.  That trial and the sins of that season were not of our King.  But He is the King of glory and He was glorified by the victory of that season.  God doesn't change.  He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  He brought victory and glory before, and He will again.

Psalm 25:15
My eyes are continually toward the Lord,
For He will pluck my feet out of the net.

Psalm 24:10
Who is the King of glory?
The Lord of hosts,
He is the King of glory.

Psalm 21:11 (speaks of the enemy)
Though they intended evil against You
And devised a plot,
They will not succeed.

Psalm 19 - Glorifying God
Psalm 20 - Victory in The Name
Psalm 21-God's Lovingkindness
Psalm 22 - Affliction

Psalm 27:13-14
I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would
see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the Lord.

Two New "Series"

I've had a couple of "series" ideas on the brain and think I will add them to my blog.  Both will be pretty raw and straight from the heart.  I guess I'm warning you they won't be as polished or edited, but they will still be prayed through.
The first is called "Thoughts from the Shower"  (possible tag line: what better time for God to kick my ass, than when it's bear?)
The second, "Straight from my Journal."   This will be literally, straight from my journal...just as I wrote it.  For now, it will be my current journal entries - as I feel called to share them.  But my hope is that in the future I will go into my past and share some old journal entries (maybe I should say my fear is that in the future...).
Hopefully both new "series" will be good reading, helpful, and glorify God's work in my life (and yours too!). 
Enjoy!