The comments people send me are always so encouraging. Unfortunately, something was strange on my last post, so no one could post their comment. So, in an effort to encourage those who read and follow, and I will just copy and paste them into a post.
Rayna Brandon:
it's a common experience and people who say they don't feel that way are the hypocrites!
Erin Johnson:
Hypocrites are those who judge others and refuse to shine the light on themselves. In any event, I agree...it's time for that glass of wine!
Monica Snider:
Christie ---
Thank you for sharing! I think you are human and a woman! I can really relate to your post here - (Rayna sent me your way - through her blog) I have days where I am on cloud 9 (even sometimes just moments) and then I turn around and think I could be 9 under!! When the doctor told me my progesterone was extremely low, I was actually excited thinking this could explain some of it. You know then other days I think I can equate my status to how full my tank is of the spirit...so which is it. I think a little of both and also just life well lived! Full of emotion and actually being present and acknowledging we are human! Again - thanks for sharing! have a great day!
***Thanks, everyone, for sharing. In the future, if anyone tries to post a comment and can't, send it to me via facebook or email and let me know if I have permission to post...and I will. I want everyone to be encouraged and strengthened; not just me.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
Crazy Hypocrite
For the past few years I have toyed with the thought that I am, indeed, going crazy. Not just "oh, what a crazy day I'm having," but actual, certifiable crazy. I can't think of any other way to describe how I feel about this roller coaster of emotion that I ride.
Today is a perfect example. The day started out well. I had a nice, quiet morning and got several things accomplished. I was confident about life and knew that everything was going to be alright. I was in a good mood, got to sit down and play with my children, and was singing to myself. But tonight I feel the absolute opposite. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin and just want today to be all done. I know several people have days like this. But this is just a small illustration of my life.
I seem to go from joyful, peaceful, and confident to anxious, depressed, uncomfortable, and unstable with no warning. It is so unnerving that I don't know how to describe it. And even as I type these words, I worry that one of you is going to send someone over with the straight jacket.
Why is life this way? How can I be so filled with hope one day and ready to scream at God the next? I'm sure that even just by reading this blog you are wondering the same thing. Wait a minute....wasn't this the person who was trying to give us hope in her last post? Wasn't she just talking about the bigger picture? Sometimes I don't even recognize myself when my emotions flop.
This is a pattern. It goes on and on for as long as I can remember. If you read my journals, you would notice the same pattern. Days of happiness, praise, and confidence followed by days of hopeless ramblings and questions about why life is so tough. Times of life filled with faith, hope, and trust that travel into times of uncertainty, pain, and anger. It makes me feel like the biggest hypocrite. What kind of a person can have such faith and feel like I do? What kind of a woman speaks of truth and hope and happy endings, but breaks down from the discomfort in her own life?
Then the low self-esteem and low self-worth start whispering to me. And from there it is all down hill. I am so tired. I am tired of riding this ride and wondering when I can get off.
Bi-polar? Crazy? Just tired? In need of a glass of wine? Or....simply a hypocrite?.....
Today is a perfect example. The day started out well. I had a nice, quiet morning and got several things accomplished. I was confident about life and knew that everything was going to be alright. I was in a good mood, got to sit down and play with my children, and was singing to myself. But tonight I feel the absolute opposite. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin and just want today to be all done. I know several people have days like this. But this is just a small illustration of my life.
I seem to go from joyful, peaceful, and confident to anxious, depressed, uncomfortable, and unstable with no warning. It is so unnerving that I don't know how to describe it. And even as I type these words, I worry that one of you is going to send someone over with the straight jacket.
Why is life this way? How can I be so filled with hope one day and ready to scream at God the next? I'm sure that even just by reading this blog you are wondering the same thing. Wait a minute....wasn't this the person who was trying to give us hope in her last post? Wasn't she just talking about the bigger picture? Sometimes I don't even recognize myself when my emotions flop.
This is a pattern. It goes on and on for as long as I can remember. If you read my journals, you would notice the same pattern. Days of happiness, praise, and confidence followed by days of hopeless ramblings and questions about why life is so tough. Times of life filled with faith, hope, and trust that travel into times of uncertainty, pain, and anger. It makes me feel like the biggest hypocrite. What kind of a person can have such faith and feel like I do? What kind of a woman speaks of truth and hope and happy endings, but breaks down from the discomfort in her own life?
Then the low self-esteem and low self-worth start whispering to me. And from there it is all down hill. I am so tired. I am tired of riding this ride and wondering when I can get off.
Bi-polar? Crazy? Just tired? In need of a glass of wine? Or....simply a hypocrite?.....
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
The Big Picture - In the Waiting Room
My son looks like he's waiting for the flood! His pajamas are, suddenly, all too small and his legs and tummy are protruding. For several weeks he's been asking for new, "softy" jammies. Heavy, fleece, winter pajamas are his favorites. At first I went on the hunt for these comfy treasures. You know what I mean; going from store to store looking...or any time you happen by a different/new retailer you can't help but check to see if they carry what you're after. Clearance racks become homing beacons just calling your name. All the while, I realize how insane this hunt is, as fleece pajamas are long out of season. Not only that, I'm spending a lot of energy on something I know he won't need or even want in a couple of months, when it finally warms up. Why am I spending all this time and effort on something that is not what my son needs? I've tried to explain that he doesn't really need fleece pajamas right now, but when you're six, you don't always hear your parents.
Zach can't see the big picture like I can. He can't see that summer and warmer temperatures are coming. He can't see that searching for and purchasing these pajamas right now is not practical. Our budget is tight, retailers no longer carry such pajamas, and getting something just because you suddenly want it sets him up for all sorts of idolatry/stewarding/greed issues for the future. No. Zach can't see this big picture like I can. He does not need these pajamas. In the big picture, they just don't make any sense, provide for his needs, or ultimately love him. And when presented with the easier to find, budget friendly, and season-appropriate jammies...Guess What!? He loved them! And he was excited about how "cool" they were.
And I know that as summer arrives they are exactly what he needs. I love my son. And out of love I look at the bigger picture and make sure he gets what is best for him.
**As a side note (that may seem trivial, but really isn't): by saving money and not spending so much time and energy on those fleece pajamas, I was also able to find and purchase much-needed pajamas for the girls as well. Sometimes the big picture isn't just about the person it seems to be directly affecting at that moment. Others get their needs met too.
Isn't that what most of parenting is all about; loving our children enough to look at the big picture and make decisions that are best for them, as well as others? It is what drives us to provide for them and discipline them too. Think about if we left our children alone with no concept of the bigger picture. What a mess!
It's not too difficult to see where this is headed. So many of you responded to the last blog that you, too, are in a season of waiting - waiting for the unknown. Many of you spoke of the pain and discomfort of being stuck in the proverbial waiting room. Take a minute to think about what you're waiting for. Is is something you think you need? Or do you stand waiting for the unknown? I am waiting for the unknown. I don't know what is next for us. It's painful because I just want to know. Sometimes I think if I just knew how this will all play out, I could be much more patient in my wait. I wouldn't be so uncomfortable and emotional. I wouldn't be crying out, so often, for knowledge and relief.
But lucky for us, there is a bigger picture. A bigger picture that, although we can't see it, is much better for us than we could ever know. And there is a Parent who has this big picture in view. He can see where we've been and where we are going. And He knows what is best for us and for all others - those we see and some we have not yet met. I can say with faith and confidence that there is a bigger picture here.
I'm not saying these things to dishearten you or in some way disrespect your hurt and pain. This waiting is long and hard. Honestly, it sucks! I know. And I hate it! But I know, for myself anyway, that sometimes a little perspective helps. It is a comfort when all you want is your "softy jammies." (Not to mention that sharing in our suffering brings us together and strengthens us against against all that tries to devour - 1 Peter 5:9-10.)
How can I say, with confidence, there is a bigger picture? Because I've lived it and seen it. And I'm willing to bet you have too - if you pause and look back, honestly. Think of all the times you wanted something so badly, but when you ended up with something else - it was far better than that thing you had hoped for. If you're married, or even if you're single and dating, you know the truth of this waiting and wanting and the bigger picture. I remember dating a boy in high school that I was sure was the one I wanted for the rest of my life. When it didn't work out, I was "devastated." But God had the bigger picture, and what was best for me, in mind.
Think, also, of the times you waited and didn't understand why things were the way they were. But on the other side you could see all of the good that came out of it. When Zach was one, I suddenly had to return to working full time. It wasn't what I had planned or what I had always wanted. I'm a little old-fashioned and had planned on being a stay at home mom. But that plan quickly went out the window and I faced the reality of going back to work. Not only that, but I had just missed an opportunity to return to my previous building... by minutes, actually. There had been an opening for a first or second grade teacher, but it was given to another teacher ten minutes prior to my phone call to the district, inquiring about work. I didn't understand why that had happened. In my limited opinion, I had thought I needed the comfort of my teaching family at that time, more than ever. But...
So I went to an interview at another building in my district. And I waited to hear. Someone else got the position. I felt so rejected and unwanted. And it was a time I had just experienced a major rejection in my life. I couldn't understand.
Lucky for me, there was a bigger picture being protected by my Father. I was supposed to be at a different building. I was meant to be a part of the lives of some very specific children. God knew what they needed (and what I needed) and sent me to a place I hadn't planned and wasn't too excited about. I remember standing in that classroom, that was actually the school's surplus/storage room. It was filled with everyone's discarded furniture and supplies. And I just cried and cried. It felt so hopeless and nothing in my life made any sense. I didn't belong there. Why was I being discarded like all that furniture? Why? Why? Why?
Because there is a bigger picture. I needed the staff at that building. They knew my pain, as many had been in my shoes. They respected me - even though I was still somewhat of a rookie. At that season in my life, I needed that respect as I felt inadequate in the rest of my being. I also needed their guidance in my teaching. They helped me hone my strategies and become even more successful in my career.
And the students...I needed those students. Every group of kids changes you in very specific ways, as a teacher. I can't explain exactly how this group affected me, but they did. And I have to believe God used me in their lives too. Some of those children were dealing with real tough situations, and I did my best to love them through it. And not just them, but their families as well. At that time, I was a single parent. Although it sucked, being a single mom really helped me empathize and love some of the parents of those students. They would walk through my door and share their lives with me. They knew I understood and I wouldn't judge. God used me in that classroom. ...a bigger picture.
I could go on and on about the waiting, the misunderstanding, and the bigger picture in my life:
Two days ago I was giving my girls a bath when something happened. It happened so swiftly, that on any normal day I wouldn't have given it any thought. But I had been praying through this post and it was really on my mind. It seems fitting. Sarah and Anna had been playing with old yogurt tubs, when Anna scooped up some water and was about to dump it on Sarah's head. I instinctively blocked Anna's yogurt tub and protected Sarah from the unseen deluge. Sarah never saw it coming and didn't realize that she was about to be "hurt." It happened so quickly, without thinking on my part and without Sarah ever knowing. But it spoke volumes to the 'bigger picture.' What if we are being protected? Maybe part of being stuck in the waiting room is Someone's way of protecting you from something you don't even see. He does it instinctively without us even seeing Him do it. He does it for the same reason I protected Sarah; He loves us.
We can't always see what He is protecting us from, but we can trust that He is.
Again, know that I am not trying to belittle your experiences or pain. I'm just being used to remind you that there is a bigger plan and a bigger picture here. Maybe that will lessen your pain...even just for a moment.
I love music. It works in so many facets of my life. So I thought I would share some songs that fit with this topic. I hope they will encourage you or give you strength. Again, this won't "fix it," but it may just comfort you. Two are by John Waller. The first is "While I'm Waiting," and the other is "Faith is Living." Two others are by Mercy Me: "Move" and "Beautiful." Finally, there is one by 33 Miles (I think it's called) "Jesus Calling."
It's painful. But at least try to smile at the idea that there is a bigger picture, while you are waiting.
Zach can't see the big picture like I can. He can't see that summer and warmer temperatures are coming. He can't see that searching for and purchasing these pajamas right now is not practical. Our budget is tight, retailers no longer carry such pajamas, and getting something just because you suddenly want it sets him up for all sorts of idolatry/stewarding/greed issues for the future. No. Zach can't see this big picture like I can. He does not need these pajamas. In the big picture, they just don't make any sense, provide for his needs, or ultimately love him. And when presented with the easier to find, budget friendly, and season-appropriate jammies...Guess What!? He loved them! And he was excited about how "cool" they were.
And I know that as summer arrives they are exactly what he needs. I love my son. And out of love I look at the bigger picture and make sure he gets what is best for him.
**As a side note (that may seem trivial, but really isn't): by saving money and not spending so much time and energy on those fleece pajamas, I was also able to find and purchase much-needed pajamas for the girls as well. Sometimes the big picture isn't just about the person it seems to be directly affecting at that moment. Others get their needs met too.
Isn't that what most of parenting is all about; loving our children enough to look at the big picture and make decisions that are best for them, as well as others? It is what drives us to provide for them and discipline them too. Think about if we left our children alone with no concept of the bigger picture. What a mess!
It's not too difficult to see where this is headed. So many of you responded to the last blog that you, too, are in a season of waiting - waiting for the unknown. Many of you spoke of the pain and discomfort of being stuck in the proverbial waiting room. Take a minute to think about what you're waiting for. Is is something you think you need? Or do you stand waiting for the unknown? I am waiting for the unknown. I don't know what is next for us. It's painful because I just want to know. Sometimes I think if I just knew how this will all play out, I could be much more patient in my wait. I wouldn't be so uncomfortable and emotional. I wouldn't be crying out, so often, for knowledge and relief.
But lucky for us, there is a bigger picture. A bigger picture that, although we can't see it, is much better for us than we could ever know. And there is a Parent who has this big picture in view. He can see where we've been and where we are going. And He knows what is best for us and for all others - those we see and some we have not yet met. I can say with faith and confidence that there is a bigger picture here.
I'm not saying these things to dishearten you or in some way disrespect your hurt and pain. This waiting is long and hard. Honestly, it sucks! I know. And I hate it! But I know, for myself anyway, that sometimes a little perspective helps. It is a comfort when all you want is your "softy jammies." (Not to mention that sharing in our suffering brings us together and strengthens us against against all that tries to devour - 1 Peter 5:9-10.)
How can I say, with confidence, there is a bigger picture? Because I've lived it and seen it. And I'm willing to bet you have too - if you pause and look back, honestly. Think of all the times you wanted something so badly, but when you ended up with something else - it was far better than that thing you had hoped for. If you're married, or even if you're single and dating, you know the truth of this waiting and wanting and the bigger picture. I remember dating a boy in high school that I was sure was the one I wanted for the rest of my life. When it didn't work out, I was "devastated." But God had the bigger picture, and what was best for me, in mind.
Think, also, of the times you waited and didn't understand why things were the way they were. But on the other side you could see all of the good that came out of it. When Zach was one, I suddenly had to return to working full time. It wasn't what I had planned or what I had always wanted. I'm a little old-fashioned and had planned on being a stay at home mom. But that plan quickly went out the window and I faced the reality of going back to work. Not only that, but I had just missed an opportunity to return to my previous building... by minutes, actually. There had been an opening for a first or second grade teacher, but it was given to another teacher ten minutes prior to my phone call to the district, inquiring about work. I didn't understand why that had happened. In my limited opinion, I had thought I needed the comfort of my teaching family at that time, more than ever. But...
So I went to an interview at another building in my district. And I waited to hear. Someone else got the position. I felt so rejected and unwanted. And it was a time I had just experienced a major rejection in my life. I couldn't understand.
Lucky for me, there was a bigger picture being protected by my Father. I was supposed to be at a different building. I was meant to be a part of the lives of some very specific children. God knew what they needed (and what I needed) and sent me to a place I hadn't planned and wasn't too excited about. I remember standing in that classroom, that was actually the school's surplus/storage room. It was filled with everyone's discarded furniture and supplies. And I just cried and cried. It felt so hopeless and nothing in my life made any sense. I didn't belong there. Why was I being discarded like all that furniture? Why? Why? Why?
Because there is a bigger picture. I needed the staff at that building. They knew my pain, as many had been in my shoes. They respected me - even though I was still somewhat of a rookie. At that season in my life, I needed that respect as I felt inadequate in the rest of my being. I also needed their guidance in my teaching. They helped me hone my strategies and become even more successful in my career.
And the students...I needed those students. Every group of kids changes you in very specific ways, as a teacher. I can't explain exactly how this group affected me, but they did. And I have to believe God used me in their lives too. Some of those children were dealing with real tough situations, and I did my best to love them through it. And not just them, but their families as well. At that time, I was a single parent. Although it sucked, being a single mom really helped me empathize and love some of the parents of those students. They would walk through my door and share their lives with me. They knew I understood and I wouldn't judge. God used me in that classroom. ...a bigger picture.
I could go on and on about the waiting, the misunderstanding, and the bigger picture in my life:
- Constantly moving: meeting and being in community with several different people and families; living on mission
- Living all alone in upstate New York for several months: met a life-long friend who now shares in my faith. Learned to rely on God as my companion and not just Jason.
- Broken and restored marriage: ability to love and help other struggling marriages; a far stronger marriage than we had before; realization that Jason nor I are perfect - only One is.
- Currently substitute teaching in Mossyrock SD: meeting new people, staff, and families; being a part of the lives of other students and the community
- This blog, that for so long I battled God on writing: you've shown me that He is using it to speak to you; a way to love other women and show them that they are not alone - sometimes I feel the worst part of this wait and being a women in this time in our lives is that if feels so lonely. The blog also gives purpose to some of the rough areas of my life and shows evidence of the bigger picture in real-time
Two days ago I was giving my girls a bath when something happened. It happened so swiftly, that on any normal day I wouldn't have given it any thought. But I had been praying through this post and it was really on my mind. It seems fitting. Sarah and Anna had been playing with old yogurt tubs, when Anna scooped up some water and was about to dump it on Sarah's head. I instinctively blocked Anna's yogurt tub and protected Sarah from the unseen deluge. Sarah never saw it coming and didn't realize that she was about to be "hurt." It happened so quickly, without thinking on my part and without Sarah ever knowing. But it spoke volumes to the 'bigger picture.' What if we are being protected? Maybe part of being stuck in the waiting room is Someone's way of protecting you from something you don't even see. He does it instinctively without us even seeing Him do it. He does it for the same reason I protected Sarah; He loves us.
We can't always see what He is protecting us from, but we can trust that He is.
Again, know that I am not trying to belittle your experiences or pain. I'm just being used to remind you that there is a bigger plan and a bigger picture here. Maybe that will lessen your pain...even just for a moment.
I love music. It works in so many facets of my life. So I thought I would share some songs that fit with this topic. I hope they will encourage you or give you strength. Again, this won't "fix it," but it may just comfort you. Two are by John Waller. The first is "While I'm Waiting," and the other is "Faith is Living." Two others are by Mercy Me: "Move" and "Beautiful." Finally, there is one by 33 Miles (I think it's called) "Jesus Calling."
It's painful. But at least try to smile at the idea that there is a bigger picture, while you are waiting.
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