Promise

Really Lord?  You can’t be serious.  I just don’t want to go back that far.  We are healed and that memory only brings pain.  Why would you want me to go back that far? 

I think He knows there is someone who needs to hear and see this part of my story.  Someone who reads this blog is struggling right now, and needs to know they are not alone.  God heals.  So here we go….

Straight from my journal:

May 9, 2006

I.                    I feel doubtful

A.     Often fell let down or like God isn’t going to heal/help

1.      Remember God in the past

2.      He’s always worked things out perfectly-according to His plan (even when it didn’t seem that way at the time)

a.)    In my life

b.)    Biblically

II.                 Little Faith

A.     Matthew 14:22-33 and Luke 8:22-25

B.     Sometimes doubt and little faith brings forth larger faith when what we doubt or think is impossible comes to pass. 

C.     Lately, I doubted that my marriage can or will be healed.  But I know with as impossible as it seems, it will build faith and be a great testimony when it is. 

III.               “This is Faith…”  (Cynthia Heald)

A.     Trusting God with my past, present and future even though, logically, I should trust no one but myself. 

1.      *** Help my unbelief, Lord*** (Mark 9:24)

May 21, 2006

Walking by Faith

I.                    Personally, this is something I struggle with every day.  I have faith that God can restore my marriage.  I know He can.  My faith is often wavering on the idea of whether or not He will.  I feel God has shown me several times that He will heal my marriage.  However, in this world and with Satan’s torment, it is hard for me to keep this faith.  Some days I am very comforted, confident, and at peace with the promise that God will heal my marriage.  And other days, the world discourages me and/or Satan plays on my doubts, fears, and hurts that I have.  I wish my heart and my faith could stay consistently strong in trusting the Lord to heal this. 

IV.              Eyes on the Lord – Philippians 3:1-14

A.     Put no confidence in the flesh

1.      I have done this several times throughout my life and, specifically, throughout this season.

2.      Only to be disappointed

3.      My confidence needs to be only in Christ

***As I’m sharing these raw journal entries with you, a couple of things have come to mind.  First, please be aware that our children know nothing of this season.  At this point in their lives, they have no need to know.  If you need to talk with me about these topics or if you have children that are friends with my children, please be very discreet and careful.  This blog is not meant for gossip, but for glorifying the Lord.  Second, this next entry involves my contemplating suicide.  This, too, is an extremely sensitive topic and was quite a powerful experience.  Please know these words don’t do that day justice.  Also know that I am completely healed and safe.  Truly!  No need to call in any authorities.  ***

June 1, 2006

            I have been feeling such anxiety lately.  With this season continuing and the passing of Grandma, no end seems to be in sight. 

            Grandma died on Thursday.  And while we knew it was coming, I guess I wasn’t prepared.  I love Grandma so much.  And she went from independent to nursing care to death; all in two months.  I regret that she didn’t see more of Zach’s growing up, that she didn’t get to see a restored relationship with Jason and I, and …..(even 7 years later I can’t write my other regrets).

            Last Saturday I battled Satan, personally.  My logical mind knows that this whole season is very spiritual – especially the warfare.  I was just feeling so depressed and anxious.  I felt like I just couldn’t take any more pressure.  Zach was just fine, with my family, so I took a drive.  The last thing I wanted to do was worry my mother any more. But I also knew I was so uncomfortable that I needed to scream. 

            I drove out to the lake and just parked my car.  I know I needed to pray and spend time with God, but I just couldn’t get comfortable or focused enough.  The only way I can describe it is pure discomfort and an actual weight.  It all just felt so heavy!

            And then Satan started putting terrible lies, hurts, and thoughts in my head-  STRONG negative thoughts about my marriage, motherhood, and my over all self-worth.  I was so scared!  (Looking back and reading this entry, I never really said the words suicide or death.  I think I worried about any future family that may pick up my journal someday.  But I remember it as clear as day:  if I just put my foot on the gas pedal…no one would miss me for a while….Zach is better off with your family than with you…Jason doesn’t care….no one would care…..etc.)

            So I just called him (Satan) out on it and started yelling at him.  I told him to leave Jason and me alone.  I claimed Jason, our marriage, and our family for God.  I reminded Satan that he was fighting a losing battle, and the end result is guaranteed.  I also pointed out that the worse he makes it, the bigger of a testament it would be to God when I/we were restored.  I know we will use this season for the Kingdom.  And (un)fortunately, the harder and more impossible it becomes, the better of a testimony we’ll have. 

            I also stopped several times to pray and ask for strength and guidance.  God told me to use the Word.  So I reminded Satan that God hates divorce (Malachi) and that salvation is irrevocable (Isaiah 51:6). 

            After much discussion and prayer, I left my spot feeling renewed and feeling the weight lifted.  My faith in God was strengthened, and I felt confident, again, that God is going to heal my marriage. 

Let's Back Up

This morning I sit at the computer, with journals in hand.  I am trying to find the journal where the “story” gets good and glorifies the Lord.  However, in order to find it I am shifting through some of the really tough stuff.  I keep reading this roller coaster of pain and leaning into the Lord and peace in the midst of pain.  There are many journals filled with the season in Silver Creek.  I can’t ignore them.  Something is telling me to sift through and share them with you. 

I think this might be wise.  I know I have several friends who are wondering how I landed in Longview, but I’m sorry.  You may just have to wait a little longer.  In order to understand the full Glory of where we are at now, several may need to see the yucky waiting.  Perhaps there is someone who needs to know that even when you feel alone and like there is really no hope and nothing will ever change, that is simply not true.  I know I often felt like no one could possibly understand my aching heart.  I’m pretty sure there are plenty of women who feel this one.  If they can see where I was and where I am now, hopefully they will find Hope in my rambling. 

Long time, no blog...

I cannot believe that my last post was over a year and a half ago!!!!!  Time flies.  But something, or Someone, is calling me back.  My story continues and there is so much to tell. 
As I read my last post, I was overwhelmed by how much has changed and how far we've come.  I was in awe as I read.  I couldn't believe that I had written those posts.  That seems like a different person, in a different time.  But the tensions, struggles, and pain of previous seasons came rushing back.  And although it seems long ago, really it hasn't been that long in the great span of time. 
I have so much to share with those who follow this blog......SO MUCH!  Part of me can't wait and the other part is hesitant to share.  When you live something, sometimes you don't see the value in it.  But everytime I  give even a piece of my story, people are amazed. So I'm sure there must be some value in what I can share. 
And maybe there's some selfishness to it.  Sharing my story gives purpose to difficult seasons and brings further healing.  I'm sure there are many who have asked, "why me?"  This story and the telling of it gives meaning and value. 
The unselfish part is this.  I have a heart for people.  I truly love people.  And I know, all too well, the feeling that we are in this "alone."  Nothing is worse than feeling like no one can understand.  But I've been in many crazy situations, and I can understand.  I love you.  And if I can come alongside you and help with words, I will.
So here I am.  Ready to continue this story.  You may want to hold on, it gets crazy!